Astronaught Pants (mmmchckwarrior) wrote,
Astronaught Pants

SWI (Showering While Intoxicated) OR How I didn't make friends with a state trooper

Ok, so I'm not sure how i'm going to organize what happened, and there's WAY too much info for a play by play, so how about this: I started work at 5 PM and didn't get home until almost ten. The sun was out when I started work, then it stayed a while, then it left, then the moon came, then the moon left, then the sun came back. All the while, I did all of the difficult work, getting filthy dirty and exhausted while the guy I was working with sat on his ass in the truck the entire time. around 4 AM, I started thinking, "Man, how great would it be if when I got home, I drank a beer while showering. I'd be combining two very relaxing, pleasant things!". Well, fate had different ideas.
Road construction went on WAY overtime, until 6:30 AM, before we could get out. Still even more work had to get done, so Tony, my road boss-man, split us up and sent some of us back to the yard with the trucks and from there we could go home. I was one of the truck drivers that could go home. So, i'm driving back to the yard in this SUPER-DUTY TRUCK (official name, by the way), and a guy sneaks into my blind spot after I have my turn signal on, and well, there was some damage to his car. whatever. A State Trooper Arrives, and right off the bat, things are not good.
I always leave my license in my car, this way when I get pulled over, I have it. Well fuck, i'm not in my car. I know, save my your lectures, I made a mistake, but I wasn't supposed to be on truck driving duty tonight. She instantly jumps on my case telling me how reckless and irresponsible I am, that I can handle. Even tirades I can suffer through. "No matter where I go I always have my licenSe blah blah blah." I try to the best of my ability to be as cooperative and cordial to the Trooper as I can. I gave her every exact detail of the accident, I gave her all of my information, and I put up with all of her guff with "yes ma'am"'s. Then it happened, The Officer Of The Law pushed a little too far. "There's no way you even have your GED if you can't remember as simple a thing as your license."
You can insult my character and call me names, but the second you infer that I have a less than average intelligence, I stop playing friendly.
For the second time, she mentions that she never leaves home without her licence. I respond by growing a pair and asking, "How does that make you feel?"
"That you never leave the house without your license. Knowing that you're better because of it."
She has obviously never seen Clerks. She responds with, "You know what? I want to know what makes you people think you're so special, that you can go around like it's not a big deal."
"YOU PEOPLE (I look at her incredulously)!? Are you implying that ALL homosexuals drive without their licenses?"
"I was trying to accomodate you, but you thought it would be more productive to insult my orientation. Good day ma'am."
she then makes it very clear that if i don't be civil, i will be arrested, which does not sound like it would be as fun as boozing in the shower. She tells me "you people" refers to as those who drive without their license, I told her I didn't know "we" were a "people", and as such cannot represent "us". She asks what I do if I was in a serious accident without ID, and I say "Well, I guess there would just be one of 'us' left around then".
I get my tickets, drive home, get yelled at by my parents, then finally bask in the glory of drinking while showering. It was every bit as wonderful as I thought it would be.
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